A Newspaper's dilemma

There’s a current aphorism. “No good deed goes unpunished.” Case in point, the New Jersey Jewish Standard of Teaneck. Like this paper it has a page to announce bar and bat mitzvahs, births, engagements and weddings. But when the paper printed the announcement of a gay engagement, the consequences set an intercollegiate record for the number of times the word “disgusting” could be used in a single news cycle.

You’re familiar with the incident? If not, here are the pertinent details. In its September 24 issue the paper informed that two gay Jewish men were to marry. This disgusted local Orthodox Jews (and in Teaneck this is a formidable group to antagonize) which complained that community standards had been violated. Embarrassed, the paper issued an apology the next issue and said it would never do so again. The pro-marriage equality community was disgusted by this turn about and demanded that in future the paper publish gay wedding announcements. But that reversal sparked even more furor, prompting the newspaper this week to change course again, this time expressing regret for its hasty apology of the previous week. As of now, it's not clear what the newspaper's policy will be. To adjust a familiar quotation (by Sir Walter Scott) “Oh what a tangled web we weave, When first we practice to please”

We have four parties at play here. First there is Avi Smolen and Justin Rosen who wish to marry and though Orthodox have found a local Conservative rabbi to perform the ceremony. (A quick Ask.com search suggests that New Jersey does not recognize gay marriage so the whole question may be mute other than symbolically anyway.) Then there’s the Standard which thought it was doing a mitzvah by accepting the notice (and then by apologizing and then by re-apologizing). The Orthodox community is trying to protect what it considers the sanctity of marriage in Jewish law and custom while marriage equality people believe that the newspaper should reflect current sensibilities, or at least their sensibilities. In none of the above is there error, which makes the problem that much more difficult to resolve.

(Years ago, the editorial board of this newspaper discussed what we should do if we were sent notice of a gay engagement or wedding. The debate was heated but polite. I was of the “we should think twice before offending accepted morality mode back then, before I had a column, and in the end we took a rare vote and narrowly decided to accept what we were sent. Since then, we’ve received no such announcements, though my guess is that from now on we will. As I remember it the word “disgusting” was never used, either by the pro or anti sides, but we were younger then.) Back to our story:

Question: Should gay people be allowed to marry? (This is a question for the states to resolve, not me. It pits thousands of years of tradition against current standards of individual choice. If it were up to me government would get out of the marriage license business and let the chips fall where they may, but it’s not up to me.)

Question: If a gay couple wants to marry, should Jewish clergy perform the service? (This is a relatively easy one, and the New Jersey young men found the correct solution. Since what they were doing would be offensive [disgusting] to their rabbi, they found a rabbi who would do it.)

Question: Should rabbinical organizations permit or prohibit their members from performing gay marriages? (Well, the Orthodox say “no” in an unequivocal voice while the Conservative and Reform leave it up to the rabbis and/or their congregations to decide for themselves. This passes the buck. I think the Orthodox are correct in taking a stand unlike the Conservative and Reform organizations which seem to fear to.)

Question: Should Jewish newspapers publish notices of Jewish engagements/weddings? (Community standards have changed since I was worried about offending them. Since getting this column I have offended Orthodox standards on a few occasions, but I’m a columnist expressing an opinion, not the paper of record of the Jewish community of Rhode Island. If we could avoid offending the Orthodox, we should, but we should not exclude those who believe in marriage equality whether they are gay or straight. Does this mean not publishing any engagement/marriage announcements? I hope not.)

Messrs. Smolen and Rosen are scheduled to be married on October 17. It’s not an accepting world they are entering. I wish them luck.