On taking the oath of office using the Koran

Back in the day (which is, I gather, au courant for “Once upon a time” or “A long time ago” or simply “Once”) there was a kingdom that was the master of the world. Or so it seemed. Upon it the sun never set. Or so it seemed. Within this bastion of proper Victorian behavior there was harbored a small community of interlopers, people whose ilk had been expelled in 1290, returned in 1656 and a hundred years later were demanding equality.

In 1753, Parliament granted the small sect complete equality with Anglicans but popular opinion would not countenance such an action, and it was quickly revoked. In another hundred years, by 1858 to be exact, two prominent members of the sect, David Salomons and Lionel Rothschild, had each been often elected and as often denied permission to sit in the House of Commons. This because they could not take the required oath “on the true faith of a Christian.” They were finally seated when Parliament voted to strike the clause when Jews were inducted.

Somehow the empire managed to survive this assault on its ancient traditions yet another hundred years. Remarkable.

We have a similar issue. The voters of Minnesota's 5th congressional district elected Keith Ellison to Congress. Let me check my constitution. Yes, that seems to be their prerogative. One Virgil Goode, the Republican representing the 5th Congressional district of Virginia (no relation) has a problem. Not only is Ellison a peacenik, calling for the withdrawal of American forces from Iraq, he's also (gasp) a Muslim. Gevalt. Goode sent a letter to constituents which reads in part: “When I raise my hand to take the oath on Swearing In Day, I will have the Bible in my other hand. I do not subscribe to using the Koran in any way. The Muslim Representative from Minnesota was elected by the voters of that district and if American citizens don’t wake up and adopt the Virgil Goode position on [severely limiting] immigration there will likely be many more Muslims elected to office and demanding the use of the Koran.” Oh, right, I forgot to mention it. Ellison had announced that when sworn in he'd have his hand on a copy of the Koran. Will troubles never cease?

OK, one thing at a time. The least important is that Emerson was born a Christian in Detroit and converted to Islam in college. (I've just checked the constitution again, and apparently this is legal.) Immigration is clearly not an issue here. It's beyond being a red herring. This particular fish is scarlet. More to the point, Goode either has not read, or he choses to ignore, the words of the constitution to which he is swearing, hand on Bible. Unfortunately for Mr. Goode's position, it reads in part: “no religious Test shall ever be required as a Qualification to any Office or public Trust under the United States.” Damn! What it does not say is that Members of Congress, or any other federal official, have to take an oath on the Bible. It also fails to make the Bible the one book upon which one may (or may not) rest one's left hand while raising his right. Double Damn!! Oh, those atheistic founders. Curses be on them.

We are, I hasten to remind, Mr. Goode and others, A SECULAR REPUBLIC. (As in, “What part of 'secular republic' don't you understand, Mr. Goode.”) Here's a nasty little secret that I share with Mr. Goode and with my readers: Islam is no more absurd than any other so-called revealed religion. That, at any rate, is what we can draw from reading the constitution.

Cleverly, Ellison took his oath on an English language Koran that had belonged to Thomas Jefferson. Jefferson, of course, was an atheist who had such little respect for revealed religion that he truncated the New Testament by removing all references to the miraculous.

That sound you may just have heard was Mr. Jefferson rolling over in his grave. Not because Ellison borrowed his old Koran, but because Goode's district includes, of all places, the area in which Jefferson lived. Oh, the irony. And the swearing in on Bible or Koran? It's all for show, a photo-op. The real oath is with hands on the constitution.

The real danger to the republic is not Muslims pretending to swear on a Koran; it's fundamentalist bigots who have abandoned the principles for which the founders fought and later wrote the Constitution.

On distortions of history

People ask me, “How do you get your ideas? Issue after issue, there’s ‘The Old Olivetti’ like clock-work.” The short answer is that I don’t get ideas, I just turn on the machine and start typing. Ollie does the rest. Other people say, “Don’t you have a computer? Do you really use an old electric typewriter? How do you correspond with your editor?” The answers are “no” “yes” and “by carrier pigeon, sometimes by phone.” Then they usually look at me oddly and question the carrier pigeon part. “Nu, so what‘s not to believe?” I ask. “Well, you gotta admit, they rejoinder, carrier pigeons in this day and age are a bit archaic, almost anachronistic, virtually Luddite.” So, “Yes,” I admit, but ask, “So what?” “So why not come live in the modern age?”

Live in the modern age? When I’m not being a shaper of opinion (usually my own) I‘m an historian. “The modern age” is like a stream. Go stand in the river, drop a feather at your feet, feel the water flow by you. By the time you‘ve gotten over your numbness, that feather is out of sight, beyond the bend or simply beyond sight. You have been left behind. Live with it; you’ll never catch up. What’s so great about the modern age? It's already someone’s past. It’s the past that is permanence, no matter how people pervert it. Things happened. Along come historians who try to tell what it was and understand it, impart meaning to it; along come exploiters who either twist it, deny it or make it up.

It’s twisted by Bush who makes Kerry (the war hero) the villain while he (the shirker) emerges conquering hero.

It’s denied by the likes of David Irving, David Duke, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, and Neturei Karta. Whos Neturei Karta?” You ask? It’s not a who, it’s a what, and don’t ask. It is a group of self-proclaimed “Guardians of the City” a small but vocal Chassidic band of Shabbas-protecting rock-throwing brothers who believe that the establishment of a Jewish national home without divine authorization is a shanda! Members don’t exactly deny that the holocaust happened, but they do deplore using it as an opportunity to create the State of Israel which they see as “a poison, threatening true Jews” and they pray “that the underlying cause of strife and bloodshed in the Middle east, namely the state knows as Israel, be totally and peacefully dissolved.” So much for a two-state solution. Oh, and the Holocaust was the divine will. “The Zionists,” their spokesperson told the Tehran anti-Holocaust conference, “with their secular pompous approach behave in complete opposition to this philosophy and dare to say ‘Never Again.’ They have the audacity to think that they can prevent the Almighty from repeating a Holocaust. This is heresy.” Nu, so call me a heretic. Can we arrange for a steel cage grudge match between these fellows and those other religious zealots who want to tear down the Dome of the Rock to build the Third Temple? I'd pay money to see that show of piety.

Then there are those who make up history. Parson Mason Weems comes to mind. Do you know of him? Johnny-on-the-spot, when George Washington died, he published “A History of the Life and Death, Virtues and Exploits of General George Washington” which is as close to fictionalized hagiography imposed on the American public until the more recent exploits of Karl Rove. “I cannot tell a lie, I cut down the cherry tree” Washington, or Weems? Weems. Washington praying on his knees in the woods at Valley Forge? Weems, not Washington. Washington asking all to leave his death bed, praying, lifting his feet onto the bed and gently expiring, his soul lifted up to heaven? Weems. In an op-ed piece in a recent New York Times I was reminded of the fact that Washington illegally claimed land west of the line the Brits said should be reserved to the Indians, fought a war to invalidate British land policies hemming in the settlers (amongst other things) and then protested when squatters squatted on his land now legally his. (Not Weems.)

So I use an old Olivetti and carrier pigeons. It’s more honest that way. Oh, wait, a bird just few into the coop bearing a message. It’s from fearless editor. Let me read it. “Josh: Stop telling people we correspond by pigeon; it’s a lie.”