J Street town meeting

The Chair recognizes the gentleman in the rear, waving the American flag.

Mr. Chairman I rise to propose that as there is no J Street in Washington, that we create one.

(The Chair): Why in God’s name would we do that?

So that at the end of the day we can say we’ve accomplished something, useless though it might be.

(General hubbub, hands flying, the sound of harrumphing is heard throughout the hall.)

Order, come to order! The chair recognizes the woman in the babushka.

It is to laugh. We have already accomplished many things. We have identified our enemies. And it is us.

(General hubbub, hands flying, the sound of harrumphing is heard throughout the hall.)

Chair: Us or Arabs?

Lady in the babushka: Us of course. It’s Jews who stand in the way of being pro-Israel and pro-peace. Anyway, that’s what that nice Mr. Ben-Ami seemed to be saying in his opening remarks. Never once did he talk about suicide bombers, or Hamas or Hezbollah. It’s Jews who are the impediment.

(General hubbub, hands flying, the sound of harrumphing is heard throughout the hall.)

Mr. Chairman, Mr. Chairman (this from a man in a keffiyeh). May I speak? Thank you. On behalf of Jstreet’s Islamic Heroes Arab Department I’d like to point out that we have no problem with J Street’s goals of withdrawing Jews from our ancestral lands which stretch westward from the Jordan to the Sea. Is that too much to ask for a people which has shown remarkable patience, relying on rocket fire, airplane hijackings and suicide bombers only on occasion, such as when peace was getting uncomfortably close. The Israelis have deprived us of our nationhood. Thank Allah for J Street! The peace process hasn’t had such good friends since Chamberlain and Deladier were running the show.

The Chair recognizes the historian who is pulling his hair out of his head.
Balding Historian: Mr. Chairman. Israel has not deprived Palestinian Arabs of a state; it’s been other Arabs who’ve done that. I…

(General hubbub, hands flying, the sound of harrumphing is heard throughout the hall.)

Balding Historian continues: I, surely, am not the only person in the room who knows that in 1947 the United Nations created two states, a Jewish one and an Arab one. And what happened? Jordan and Egypt (and Lebanon and Syria and Iraq) invaded the nascent Jewish State; they were repulsed; the Jews expanded the land allotted to them and Egypt satisfied itself with Gaza, Jordan with the West Bank. Did it ever occur to these titans of tolerance that they could have a two state solution by combining the two halves of the remnant of Palestine? No? And why not? Either because they used the suffering of the displaced persons as a propaganda tool or because (this is the more generous explanation) they knew that a bifurcated Arab state, with its parts separated by Israel could never work. And it still can’t.

(General hubbub, hands flying, the sound of harrumphing is heard throughout the hall.)

The Chair recognizes the lady with the tears in her eyes.

Mr. Chairman, I have wonderful news. Moments ago, Middle East Peace Envoy George Mitchell announced new Israeli-Palestinian “proximity talks” - indirect talks between the Israelis and Palestinians with the United States serving as interlocutor. Oh, to have lived so long that I can witness from the safety of America Israel and the Palestinians talking from separate rooms, close by each other. Messiah, he must be on the way.

The Chair (staring, amazed): And that’s the wonderful news? that the two sides will be talking in close proximity to each other?

Lady with tears in her eyes: Well, in proximity. But it’s the long awaited turn of events.

Skeptic: Oy, the gullibility quotient rises exponentially. In 2000, my dear lady, Arafat and Barak met in the same room with President Clinton and what did we get? Intifada II. Surely this is not the coming of the Messianic age when the straws we grab are so flimsy.

(General hubbub, hands flying, the sound of harrumphing is heard throughout the hall.)
The Chair recognizes the Messiah.

Messiah: Nu, am I late? What can I do for you?

Lady with tears in her eyes: Bring peace between Israel and the long-suffering Palestinians.

Messiah: Sure. Easy. Right after Josh Stein wins the Powerball.

Balding Historian: ’Tis a consummation devoutly to be wished.