On the Conservative Movement's Gay Rights stand

The other day I was sitting at my desk, the old Olivetti humming in anticipation, both of us just knowing that this was going to be the break-out column, the one that would win the Pulitzer, the one that would get us out of this one-horse-town, to the big time, Peoria, at least. We were going to combine analysis of the Bi-partisan Iraq report with intra-Palestinian bloodletting, Christmas on public property, the slaughter of Muslim by Muslim in Iraq, the possible fall of the Lebanese government, the “Holocaust is a Hoax” conference in Iran, and the price of gasoline. It would've been terrific.

But then, over Ollie's humming, I heard another sound, a grunting sort of noise, accompanied by an indescribable odor. “What's that?” asked I, sotto voce. It typed back that I was covering it's i so it couldn't c (he thinks that's funny). Slowly, ever so slowly, I turned around. What greeted my astonished gaze was an 800 pound gorilla, sitting in my easy chair, chomping on Nachos® wearing a T-shirt emblazoned with the words “No Anal Sex.”

Somewhat taken aback, I asked the monster, “Who are you?” He replied in a Dickensian voice, “I am the personification of the Conservative Movement's Law Committee Decision on admitting gay rabbinical and cantorial ordination, of permitting gay commitment ceremonies.” “Oh, that 800 pound gorilla,” I said. “The one that will prevent me from writing about serious issues.” “Yes, boychick, that one.”

Elsewhere in these pages you will find two rabbinical opinions. The one fellow, Epstein, says triumphantly that no longer will halakhah be used to prevent openly gay people from becoming rabbis or cantors—but they aren't to have anal sex, just... What? We can only guess. The other fellow, Roth, says it's not true, it's all unhalakhic. He's wrong. By majority vote. Later that day I got a call from a friend of mine who attends the Orcharder Avenue Schul. He asked, “Why don't you come and join my place? After all, we don't care about halakhah either.” I demurred. Moments later another friend, this one from the Rochambeauer Synagogue rang me up. “Why don't you come to our place? We actually believe in halakhah.” You can understand my confusion. The world is going to hell in a handcart (Nukes in North Korea and will soon be coming to a radical Islamic state near Israel) and the Wise Men of New York are debating amongst other things whether rabbis can have anal sex with other men? “No,” is the answer, but others thought “Yes.” And who's to check on this? Do we trust rabbi Moishe Pipick who is openly gay and living with a partner not to engage in forbidden er, pleasures or do we put a camera in his bedchamber? Gods, what fools these mortals be. I've heard of re-arranging deck chairs on the titanic, but I never thought I'd live to see the day. Read the newspapers, Rabbis. There are actual real crises out there.

So, why do they engage in this debate? Because they want to be fair to a minority that feels itself excluded. But is there no blow back from this? Membership in the Conservative movement is on the wane. Will this increase membership? Probably not. Will it further diminish it? Probably it will. Similar arguments are occurring in the Episcopal church. So is secession; whole congregations are abandoning the American branch of the Anglican church and are affiliating with African and other more traditional Anglicans. (Yes, it's a strange world in which we live.)

What is to be done? Gay people are people. They want the same opportunities as the majority. And who can blame those who strive to give them what they deserve? Not I. But I can quote Hillel in Pirke Avot, “Do not separate yourself from the community.” This decision will please gay people and those straight people who advocate for them. But it will fracture the once proud Conservative Movement as surely as that 800 pound gorilla collapsed my easy chair. It can be argued that if one looks for the right time to make radical change, it will never come. Martin made this case in his Letter From the Birmingham Jail, and gay people associate their cause with the civil rights struggle. They have overcome. Mazal Tov. Let's see if Conservative Judaism survives the take-over. It might. After all, Hillel also taught that we ought not judge our fellows until we have stood in their place.